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Samanayrs • View topic - East of the Sun, West of the Moon Excerpt...
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 Post subject: East of the Sun, West of the Moon Excerpt...
 Post Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 10:25 pm 
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Mystery
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Hello~
Seren is junking up the forums! Woot!
Anyway, this is an excerpt from a merely for fun story, inspired by a dream I had.
I'm not posting the whole thing -yet- because of the whole "G" rating... there's some light cursing, and fantasy violence, and possible... other themes... XD I'm only about 17 pages in. Not too sure yet.
Mostly, Im looking for opinions on it, and see if it seems interesting to anyone.
I'm... really shy about my works... so...
This is going to be bad, its a first draft. Any crit or editing is welcome. :)

-This book centers around two kingdoms of shapeshifters, one dragon, one pegasi, who are at war. The main characters is the the Rhia (eqivalent of a princess) of the Pegasus Nation. So basically they can be (normally winged) humans or their bestial form. If I actually continue posting, I will explain more.-

The girl crept down the corridor's smooth black and white marble floor, the glossy floor reflecting her willowy form, and flowing leggings marred her reflections she glanced around, bright-eyed and trying not to smile at her successful escape. Sunlight lit upon her, making her dark hair look russet for a moment, before she continued past the long open window and ducked behind a column. She peered around it slowly and grinned at the empty space like an old friend, and stepped out brashly, finally free, when a large hand clamped down on her shoulder. She immediately sighed and looked deflated. "Well miss, I do believe it's time to go back to your lessons, isn't it? As soon as I track down where ever your poor tutor has gone." She turned to look up into the guard's deep brown eyes, as the big man regarded her with a mixture of fondness and stern words. "You're going to drive that poor stallion to madness, I swear. Soon he'll throw himself out a window." He good-naturedly snagged the back of her collar and steered her back down the marble hallway. She piped up quickly half cross, half delighted that it had been Cano that found her. "Well since he's winged, shouldn't be too much of a problem!" The broad-shouldered stallion snorted and pushed her forward a bit more. "Troublemaking little filly."
"I am not!" She shot back. "A filly, that is. I will not deny that I am an expert troublemaker." She grinned cheekily at him, as he rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his steely gray hair. "You still have a month to go before your sixteenth Midsummer's moon. Maybe then I shall start calling you a mare, filly." He eyed his charge skeptically. "Though probably not, if you stay so small." The girl's brow furrowed as she scowled and then stuck up her nose. "You should teach a royal member of the family with more respect, Sergeant Cano." She crossed her arms as the man lifted her up by her collar to swing her over a crate in the hallway. "I probably should, but I'll make an exception for the tiny little filly I've been looking after since her birth. Oh, how things used to be peaceful, and quiet..."
"And boring! Everything was boring before I came!" She threw up her arms with a wry grin. The stallion just shook his head at her declaration, his lips twitching at the edges, threatening to break out into a wide easygoing smile.

-ugh. this is horrid. one of my worst stories-


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 Post subject: Re: East of the Sun, West of the Moon Excerpt...
 Post Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 6:18 am 
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Actually it's not half bad. The formatting makes it a bit difficult to follow who is speaking so if you could break it up some it would give a bit more clarity.

I'm the same way about my own writing, though I do take part in NaNoWriMo every year. I'm hoping to finish up the piece I had started in 2009 come November.


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 Post subject: Re: East of the Sun, West of the Moon Excerpt...
 Post Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 8:06 am 
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Ugh. Dialogue hates me.
But thank you, Ill make sure to edit that. This is a tiny bit of it, I dont think its very gripping or anything. I'd just post it normally, but Im not sure if the fantasy violence bit at the beginning would be acceptable.
I want to be an author, actually. This is not the best piece to go by at all. Normally my style is more desctiptive...
Ah. I dont know. Im just curious for feedback.


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 Post subject: Re: East of the Sun, West of the Moon Excerpt...
 Post Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:54 am 
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I think it's beautiful Sereny :3 <3


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 Post subject: Re: East of the Sun, West of the Moon Excerpt...
 Post Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 11:05 am 
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Mystery
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Well Silvy, one, you've read the whole thing
and two... XD you're too nice to me.

Should I just post the whole thing? There's not like any little little kids on here...


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 Post subject: Re: East of the Sun, West of the Moon Excerpt...
 Post Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 1:39 pm 
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I think as long as it isn't R rated (ie keep it pg/pg13) I think you are okay. If you think it exceeds the rating or are worried about it, see about getting access to the older member board. It allows for more mature postings. >_>


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 Post subject: East of the Sun, West of the Moon
 Post Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 4:48 pm 
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-MINI PROLOGUE OF FAIL-
Gah. I reread this and hate it more...

The moon hung low in the sky, newly turned the deepest shades of cobalt and indigo, a backdrop set for a deadly play about to burst onto stage. The forests below were quiet, no night birds singing or midnight prowlers daring to make a noise to attract attention to themselves, slinking away into shadows, warily glancing at the empty, waiting sky. The night held its breath, not a whisper of wind rustling leaves, making every heartbeat of anyone watching seem like thunder. The inhaled breath reached its crescendo, and an unspoken battle cry echoed through the air and bodies of all the lesser beings watching, as shadows streaked up from the ancient trees, rushing towards each other, with only the whistling of air over their bodies sounding until they met, like waves against the shore, with a tremendous roar and crash. Moonlight caught on faceted scales, making them flash silver, blue, green, red, all the colors of gems and all things precious, or glittering over sleek coats and shiny feathers of the other side, over reddish tinges, pale tans, deep grays, and deep earthy browns. Tails and manes were tossed back like banners, hooves striking like diamonds, while claws raked the air with savage ferocity, tails lashing out like clubs. Loud roars shoo the air like thunder, while bellows and loud whinnies vibrated like the scarring of lightning. The storm of winged bodies rolled and ravaged against each other. Long blades swung, strapped onto taunt-muscled backs or swung from tight gripped muzzle. Flashes of rolling flames met the starry metal in return, and claws slicing out, both differing weapons sending rains of hot red blood shimmering to water the trees below. Cut off cries and feeble nickers sounded from the wounded or dying, and they plummeted to earth, branches cracking off in their wake, scarring the forest.
A thick set pegasus cried out at the sight of a plummeting bay mare, her back and wings raked by claws, long marks marring her deep brown hide, her head limp as she plummeted and crashed into a tree, body crumpling and going still. The dun stallion made a hoarse noise in the back of his throat, an aching pain from the loss of his mate, and whipped his head around, air blowing hard out of his nostrils as he stared at the violet dragon that had done it. The reptilian being set off a deep chuckle, licking one claw with a long tongue, droplets of his mare's life blood rolling down it and swallowing it with a triumphant smirk. The stallion screamed his challenge, and streaked upward, gripping a stave in his battle-worn maw. The dragon turned to see the winged horse rush at him, and swung a heavily weaponed paw at him. The stallion rolled out of the way, the spear point grazing the side of his paw, causing a minor wound. The violet-scaled dragon hissed in annoyance and snapped at the attacker, who dived towards his foe's back, undergoing a miraculous change as he plummeted toward his target. His body shrunk, tan coat becoming darkly tanned skin, his head shrinking and becoming human, his deep brown eyes narrowing, wings close to his back, the stave now in his hand and pointed straight down. The spear point glistened in the moonlight before striking into gemstone scales and sinking deep into the dragon's shoulder. The dragon roared with pain, his wing's tendons severed, the wing going limp like a dead leaf. He writhed in the sky, sending the winged human flying, and twisted in the air as he fell, striking and ripping the wings from his killer's back. The pegasus man screamed out, his voice vibrating like a horse's cry, as he fell backward as well. The dragon was changing now, turning smaller as his hot blood fell to earth before him, foreshadowing his demise, turning into a pale skinned man with dark brown hair, his eyes shut tight as the last bit of pain tore through him before he slammed into the rocky earth of the clearing, broken by the rocks. A body crashed beside him, gaping twin wounds still bleeding from the already dead stallion's back. The battle cut off and battle cries and dying screams were replaced by quiet noises of sorrow at their brethren's deaths, and harsh promises for revenge. The two armies went back, taking their dead and dying with them, leaving behind a broken, silent, forest.

(This comes BEFORE the excerpt I posted)


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 Post subject: Re: East of the Sun, West of the Moon Excerpt...
 Post Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 8:44 pm 
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Mystery
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WELL YES
But I love it XD
And I cannnnn help you with the spacing out *eyetwitchflailfall*
ho fame...
But yeah I don't think it's really that bad, I mean the fights could go PG-13... maybee


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